Tiho and Tanja are the same person. However, Tiho is well known to many people; they see him during the day, at work, at the bar, on the street. It would take 34 years for anyone in a public place to meet Tanja as well. This happened recently, in Sarajevo, during the first major meeting of the gay community in Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Tiho, aka Tanja, couldn't even imagine that any organization that brought together people of different sexual orientations and gender identities existed in BiH. And so, just when he'd lost "even the last hope of meeting similar people," a call came from the Q Association inviting him to join them.
“I went with many reservations and fears, despite everything. I also had strong prejudices about what it could be. I thought it was some kind of brothel, as everyone calls it, where everyone throws themselves at each other. Instead, I was happy when I saw that they were normal people, or rather, magnificent people. So much so that on the last night, for the first time in public, I dressed as a woman. On the way back, I cried the entire trip because I couldn't believe that someone had accepted me for who I am,” says Tiho, and he wasn't the only one.
For the first time since the Q Association was registered in February, as the first organization for the dissemination and defense of queer culture, identity, and human rights, the gay community has begun to move beyond the virtual world. Although the spread of the internet has allowed greater freedom to be who they are, many were eager to replace chat rooms with real-life encounters.
“"The primary goal of the organization is to ensure that people are somehow strengthened by meeting one another, that is, that they are able to crystallize and recognize their own identities. This isn't about segregation, but rather about bringing them closer together, which can help them feel more secure, in a more supportive environment," says Svetlana Ðurkovi, considered the founder of the first serious network of the queer community in BiH. She is also one of the few willing to come out in public, and for many, her commitment represents a revolutionary step on the path to the gay scene gradually gaining its own official space.
Comments like the one on Sarajevo-X-forum – “You’re lucky you don’t have an address yet, it will be tough when you do” – didn’t stop the Q Association from continuing to look for a place for its office.
Until then, the people who are starting to gather around this association make every effort to meet up. So when the DANI team went to Trebinje to meet Tiho, aka Tanja, two lesbians joined us. They'd known Tiho for less than a month, but they didn't want to miss one of the rare opportunities to spend some time together.
“When I learned about all these people, I gained a certain awareness. Not of what I am and who I am, but of understanding that all this isn't that bad. You really get the feeling that you're not alone. I have to admit that hanging out with these people helps me a lot. Actually, all my friends know who I am, but it's very different when I go to Svetlana, for example, and say, 'Listen, I have a new love, a great girl...' than when I go to a friend of mine who's straight and also asks me if I'm having an affair and I say, 'I am,' and stop. I know she'll understand, but I don't always feel comfortable telling her everything, especially when it comes to sex. So, it's much more relaxed, open, and in this community, people accept you. This way, we quickly gain confidence in ourselves, in who we are and what we are,“ says 29-year-old Maja, while her friend Amra replies with a smile: ”A little more and you'll become a lesbian.” professional!”
The two of them spent six and a half months together and, even though today each has her own “love,” they have remained very close.
“"Straight people usually feel weird around us, they feel awkward, many accept it, but 'don't touch me.' They don't understand that things are a little different here; you'd never go after someone you're not 90 percent sure is who they are, and that's why most of our acquaintances happen online," says Amra, who dated a guy for seven years before her first encounter with a woman.
Even today, she doesn't want to come out exclusively as either bi or lesbian. Unlike Maja.
“Before this, I was with a girl for five years, but those were five years of searching, love, and a bit of getting used to it. A friend of mine told me, "Being gay is just a transitional phase." That's right—I've always had relationships with both men and women. Perhaps the only difference between lesbian and heterosexual relationships is that with women, emotions are much stronger, and there's a lot of friendship. Of course, sexuality is also important here. I've always been more attracted to women, and after a while, it became clear that for me it's neither a pastime nor an experiment.
Tiho, aka Tanja, stood before us. While the two girls happily hugged him, and we measured his height of two meters, a beautiful young woman from the doorway invited us in. It was Tiho's girlfriend.
“I immediately fell madly in love, because he was different from all the other boys, incredibly sensitive, tender—a bit like Prince Charming on a white horse,’ Slavica says, while Tiho jokingly corrects her: ”like the princess.“.
“And so we decided to live together. A month later, one evening, while I was lying in bed, Tiho suddenly came in wearing a satin nightgown. Shock! I thought: Dear Slavica, this guy is crazy. Who the hell are you with?! Jack the Ripper, I thought, is going to stick a knife in me, cut me up, put me in a can and off to the European market. So I lay there still, then he came over and started telling me… Tell me what he wants, I thought, but for me at that moment it was enough that I stayed alive. But damn, he started talking about strange things,” Slavica recalls laughing and continues: “I already knew about gays and lesbians, and I didn't give a damn, as far as I was concerned, let them do what they want. But this was about me! First of all I think, he's sick; it's okay, we'll take him to the doctor, I'll cure him, because everything else is perfect, he's beautiful with him, we have to fix him. Before I'd never heard of anything like that back then, and what I'd seen on TV was a joke. And now you have a person in front of you who wants to be a woman. How stupid: I've wanted to be a boy all my life, and he wants to be a girl—but where?! How crude it is!” Slavica says, while Tiho watches her lovingly.
Thanks to her, he decided to indulge in what he had dreamed of for so many years: changing his identity. However, with or without surgery, Tiho always felt like a woman in some way.
“Even from my earliest memories, I was attracted to the feminine lifestyle, the company of women. After I realized, with my parents' help, that it was shameful, I withdrew into myself and took advantage of moments of solitude to dress like this. It all started as a game, when I would, let's say, borrow some underwear from my mother. Trying to understand the reason for my behavior, I tried to ignore those feelings, thinking they would pass. Instead, I felt a sense of emptiness. What weighed most on me was the lack of contact with people like me, and this led to a strong sense of loneliness. It was with great difficulty that I learned all this; I can say that in 25 years I've found maybe three texts on transsexuals that are worthwhile and that were not the result of misunderstandings. In the meantime, I met a girl, the first who accepted me for who I was, and by then I had already realized that I didn't want to be with men,” says Tiho.
His parents never knew he was transgender. However, his father never understood certain behaviors in Tiho, like when he accidentally caught him preparing pita bread at the table: "He stared at me with wide eyes for a few minutes and then said, 'Son, what's happening to you? Come on, sit down for a bit and we'll discuss this.'".
Even today, Tiho would find no greater happiness if she existed and lived officially as a woman. Although she doesn't feel like someone whose inclination can be reduced to the mere formality of wearing women's clothing, Tiho feels complete in those moments. Sometimes she's been able to settle down, leave the house, take a walk, and come back. To be a woman, at least for a moment.
He lives a different life at night, at home. When we went to dinner, Tiho left us for a moment. He disappeared for half an hour. After that, Tanja left the room. She's blonde, wearing a mini skirt, with long, shaved legs and painted nails.
“I'd like to buy another wig. Slavica gave me this one for my birthday, but it got ruined, and I don't like it that much anymore,” Tanja told us, fixing her hair, while Slavica complained that it sometimes steals her clothes.
“I’m embarrassed to say in front of the children: 'Where are my underwear?'‘ Slavica says, and Tanja retorts: ’And you’re the one stealing my stuff!”.
– I just got you your boxers
– What boxers, you took my jazz pants and ruined them! — concludes Tanja, while Slavica laughs heartily.
“Sometimes all this seems like chaos to me, and sometimes it drives me crazy. At night the kids go to bed, and he spends an hour in the bathroom—he puts on makeup, paints his nails, and sits for a while, then takes it all off; I admire him. Some time ago I realized there's something real in what he does; it doesn't excite me, but I've gotten used to it. I'm more afraid of kids and people. But the biggest irony is that my friends dream of having a man like Tiho, and they say, 'Oh, he's fantastic, there's no one like him anymore'; and I think, 'It's better this way,'’ Slavica says, teasing Tanja.
“"It was much harder for my wife to accept me as I am than, say, for you. I can say, however, that we've created such freedom in our life that I can afford to live half a day as a woman. And I've learned to control this need of mine, and I know how to channel it. I don't think I'm harming anyone with my behavior. Just as I don't allow myself to be prejudiced or misunderstood towards other people and their preferences, I don't believe people should be prejudiced or misunderstood towards us," says Tanja, alias Tiho.
Statistics
Queer is a term that includes those people who in any way, through their identity and orientation, thoughts and opinions, differ from heteropatriarchal norms.
“"There's a concept of queer within any identity that encompasses difference from any norm. That is, rejecting any norm that assimilates to a given identity is queer. It's simply not helpful to seek classical behavior or thought in some things, because that doesn't mean it will change at any given moment," says Svetlana Ðurkovi, who prefers to use the term sexual or gender minorities.
“"If I said sexual, it would imply sexuality, while the term gender also refers to transgender people, meaning it's not just based on biological behavior, but also on an identity that stems directly from sex, or rather, the concept of gender. Furthermore, transgender people don't necessarily have to have the same sexual orientation, but they are still included in queer minorities. Of course, this includes the mass of people who are gay but aren't yet able to express it," says Svetlana, who claims that BiH has a strong gay community. Its size is not yet known, but it's generally believed that at least 10 percent of people in every company belong to this minority.
“If we evaluate according to the scales of values of the ancient Greeks, when homosexuality was permitted, that number is even higher, taking into account that at that time it was not a question of identity, but of behavior.
However, the statistics are officially measured according to the Kinsley scale, developed in the 1940s and 1950s when the questions were related to identity, that is, have you ever had a homosexual relationship, and not: are you gay?, says Svetlana.
Dangerousness
The Q Association has several publications in the works regarding queer community issues. So far, in addition to a few formal meetings, only one conference has been held, which was also attended by regional organizations. A gay pride parade is not yet being considered due to security concerns. Many members of the association believe that the time for organized activities of that scale is not yet right.
“"We still have too many maniacs and skinheads in hiding. Then, the big problem is the family, which is very important here; we have to take them into account too and not be selfish. Let's say, Svetlana is out to everyone, her family knows about her and she has no reason to hide, because 90 percent of the organization relies on her. We also have to deal with this: there's always the possibility of danger for our community, but others need to understand that we have great respect for other people, we don't provoke anyone and we only seek their respect for us as individuals," says Maja.