They have no doubts: the word lesbian indicates a woman who loves women, but only one in two says it to herself and those who do sometimes lower the tone of their voice.
Four out of five are in stable relationships, but they're less long-lasting than gay men. More than half call themselves feminists, and many want to strengthen bonds between women, foster communication and culture. The majority, when Aphrodite emerges, prioritize kisses, followed by caresses and the smell of skin. In love, they prefer to "bond" their tongues and vaginas, and one in two indulges in intercourse between the other's hands. Furthermore, breaking with a certain cabaret image, only a small minority (5 percent) uses fake dildos. Half of them don't identify with masculine women. They want a child, and some have become mothers in a stable relationship with a man. One in two makes no secret of being a gay mother.
They hold their loved ones dear; many remain friends even when love fades. They also use the internet to hide behind seductive masks, only to find encounters beyond the virtual realm. At work, half of them talk about themselves, but among trusted colleagues, they know they risk ridicule and bullying (one in ten). Almost all of them support those who publicly say, "Yes, of course, I'm a lesbian and I'm proud of it." The majority are aware of proposed laws for gay rights, and half of them take into account the political parties' positions on the matter when they vote. They are aware that a law will not equate to liberation from prejudice. They dream of a world where no one has to hide and everyone's diversity is welcome.
The news is significant: lesbian women willing to participate, intervene in public spaces, unite, and engage in politics, without ceasing to dream. Driven by a mad desire to be increasingly free, aware that they are pioneers. Ready to take a little more risk, to no longer be mere voices off-screen. These unprecedented snapshots, the result of a study that dismantles the most popular stereotypes about lesbianism, are a summary of the responses to over seven hundred questionnaires interpreted by the Lesbian Subjectivity group of the Free University of Women in Milan, completed by women to get to know each other and connect with those who know nothing about their stories and thoughts.
U'’investigation that was missing, which began in 2001 by distributing three thousand questionnaires throughout the country, and continued by reading and interpreting those that were returned, duly completed, with the addition of free entries, a fertile enrichment of the work. A book was born, «"Love Cocktail"‘, ed. DeriveApprodi, written by Anita Sonego, Chantal Podio, Lucia Benedetti, Maria Pierri, Nicoletta Buonapace, Piera Vismara, Rosa Conti (in bookstores at the end of March, and until then, request it at [email protected]). After sociological works that explore gay reality—"Modern Omosexuals" by Barbagli and Colombo (Il Mulino), "Different from Whom?" by Chiara Saraceno (Guerini e Associati)—a group of lesbian women photographs their world in flux. And they begin to fill the information gap that led people to say, "We know nothing about lesbians.".
RELATIVES AND FRIENDS
We now know, however, that lesbian women reject the cliché of the failed male, that two in three define themselves as feminine, while still being fascinated by the myth of androgyny (one in three). Within their families, only half are open about themselves: those who remain silent tend to avoid conflict, while those who speak up almost always choose to open up to their mother (who reacts more anxiously than their father) and do so out of a "need for honesty." They want to feel whole and test important relationships. They are prepared for any outcome, given that, although relationships with family members improve over time, reactions to the "news" are not positive one in three cases, and that parents' feelings are welcoming in fifty percent of cases and disappointment and tolerance in the other half.
Lights and shadows that do not paralyze as they did yesterday, so the coming out At home, it sometimes turns out to be "a Sicilian tragedy," sometimes "a beautiful experience!" In their friendships, just under half mix with both men and women, knowing that they're treading water with men beyond the usual norms. Casual in different contexts, in company they choose to filter affectionate gestures toward their partners through privacy and comfort. Almost all of them frequent other lesbian women, and two in three meet in "women-only" clubs. They seek and feel for each other primarily through solidarity (59.7 percent), followed by complicity, identification, and curiosity. Even taking into account that the women who responded were those within associations and clubs, we can still say that the cry, "I'm 'the only lesbian in the world'," no longer reveals the plight of every woman who discovers she's gay.
COMPANIONS, MOTHERS, LOVERS
Often, before a woman's love affair, she has an experience with a man. This is the emotional journey of two out of three lesbians, while for a third, the first love is with a woman. Other times, heterosexual and homosexual relationships alternate over time and are signs of "a difficult journey of accepting one's homosexuality," the survey's curators emphasize. But there is a widespread feeling that it is not the "bed" that determines one's orientation, since, as Paolo Rigliano says in «"Love without scandal"» (Feltrinelli): "You're homosexual based on how you feel about someone else, not what you do." Thus, one in five identifies as lesbian even though they've never had a relationship or flirted with a woman. When meeting a woman, the partner's age often seems irrelevant, and what attracts them are intelligence and sensitivity (68 percent), followed by humor, irony, and good looks.
The essence of the relationship is emotional affinity for the majority, and sexual satisfaction plays a significant role (it's important for one in two). Half say they have a satisfying sex life, and 40 percent define it as "improvable." Roles in the couple tend to alternate, and one in four cites fears. In their relationship, two in three split joint expenses equally. Jealousy over their partner's other romantic relationships or sexual encounters inflames at most two-thirds of those interviewed (were these responses restrained?). The most common relationship type is monogamy, which is not shared by only one in five. Love ends due to a breakdown in verbal communication or infidelity. At the heart of the relationship is the delicate balance between fusion—a tendency that proves to be pronounced—and the ability to live one's life independently. The overwhelming love that many speak of requires a solid self to prevent sentimental passion from becoming a loss of self. This awareness is already an achievement.
Lesbian relationships no longer hold you back motherhood desires which 16 percent of those interviewed have attempted to achieve, even with a man as a father. The desire to raise children seems almost as widespread as the desire to become pregnant, and partners are eager to care for their children together. For one in three mothers who openly live their lesbianism, another chooses discretion, and yet another hides it. This shifting picture, of which we have only hinted (read the book and you will discover many more), which seems to capture a slow-motion explosion of demands and dimensions previously hushed up in secrecy, is dominated by a dream of "social freedom." For a better life, many say, it is necessary to "engage in politics, build serious groups, fight together with all those who are discriminated against." "Our commitment, our thoughts, and our desire," conclude the curators of "Cocktail 'amore," "are aimed at building a world in which anyone who bears a difference can live without lies and fear." A cocktail of lights emerges from the darkness.