“If you don’t look the person in front of you at the table in the eye while you swig your glass, that’s seven months of bad sex.”.
The first time I heard it I asked myself: what's worse, do it badly or not do it at all?
Who doesn't want a satisfying sex life?! But we don't always achieve it, due to two types of obstacles: those created by others and those created by ourselves.
Sex: It's good for us
External obstacles include denied rights and lack of protection, ignorance and violence, a lack of facilities and opportunities for encounters—the daily bread of organizations like Arcigay.
Let's not delude ourselves: it's not an easy road. Many things are already changing, however. Just read the Sexuality Charter, recently drafted by the World Health Organization: “"Nothing should constitute an obstacle to the full achievement of sexual health"; "When lived consciously and without any form of discomfort, sexual life contributes to the full realization of the person. Therefore, sexual life must be a legitimate aspiration of every human being"; "Any obstacle to sexual pleasure, and therefore to the full realization of the person, must be addressed with full awareness of the solutions currently available for the recovery of a valuable sexuality.".
It is encouraging to know that we are not alone in believing that all people—including gay, lesbian, and bisexual people—have the right to fulfill themselves as sexual beings.
Sex: Let's do it well (even with words)
Internal obstacles refer to our everyday experience, to our being with other gay, lesbian, and bisexual people, to the fact that it's not always true that the sex we have makes us feel good—before, during, and after.
We often complain about not being able to truly know ourselves, about 'burning' everything right away or never getting started, about 'showing off' too much, about being good at sex but not at love... and maybe then we 'bit our hands'.
The point is that we are not always able to express ourselves as we would like or should: with the body, head and heart in harmony with each other.
There's no perfect sex, nor is there a single way to have it. Sex changes with different people and situations. If we do it alone, there's no problem; if we want to involve others, we need to reach an agreement, communicate, discuss it. Talking even when words seem lacking.
It doesn't matter, then, whether we define ourselves as gay, straight, or bisexual; whether we're male or female, HIV-positive or HIV-negative, young or old; whether there are two of us, three of us, four of us, or more; whether we like it rough or vanilla; whether we're having sex for fun, to burn fat, or for love; whether we're at home, in a club, or elsewhere; whether we're with the love of a lifetime or the love of a one-night stand... in any case, let's at least learn to always say:
– "Let’s stop for a moment, before we go any further" — “Let’s protect ourselves” — “Do we have condoms and lube?” — “Let’s use a dental dam”;
– “What do we decide to do?” — “Can I?” — “This yes. This no.”.
It's not much, but it has the advantage of being straightforward. Yet it's essential for feeling good and continuing to feel that way in the future. Exercising our right to sexual health also involves these simple words.
