Florence Only a few confess to having reacted with a slap, or kicked their child out of the house. But you can count them on the fingers of one hand. The vast majority of parents, even if shocked by the coming out of their gay son or lesbian daughter, do not reject it.. Indeed, after an initial phase of confusion, fear, pain, the family surrounds the child with love and solidarity; also trying to offer him protection from a still hostile society. And many parents report that, after the revelation, family relationships have become more authentic.
The reactions of parents, sisters, brothers, to the revelation of the homosexuality of their son/daughter, sister, brother, have been studied, investigated, deepened, by a study conducted on about 200 families by two researchers from the University of Eastern Piedmont, Chiara Bertone and Marina Franchi.
The research will be presented in Florence on June 20th and 21st, during the international conference Family matters. Supporting families to prevent violence against young gay and lesbian people, organized by a group of associations including the’Agedo (Association of parents of homosexuals), with the support of the Tuscany Region.
The two days are the final event of a research project carried out by the’University of Eastern Piedmont "Amedeo Avogadro"“, in partnership with organizations of families with homosexual children in Italy (Agedo), Great Britain (FFLAG), and Spain (Ampgil), as part of the European Commission's Daphne program. During the conference, in addition to the research, a video will also be previewed. “Twice parents”, by Claudio Cipelletti, a precious 90-minute documentary, in which the parents of young gay and lesbian people come out and share their experiences.
«For quality, European dimension, topics covered and field of investigation – says Augustine Fragai, Councillor for Institutional Reforms and Participation – this research will contribute significantly to greater understanding, including among institutions, of the problems associated with the acceptance of homosexuality. The commitment to building a social context that respects all sexual orientations is present in the actions of the Tuscany Region, which, moreover, has a specific law whose implementation is entrusted to a task force. All of this is not unrelated to the choice of Florence as the venue for the international conference. I also find it particularly valuable that the focus of the survey is on families, which, together with schools, represent the fundamental places of affection and relationships, especially during childhood and adolescence. And precisely with a view to teacher training, also with a view to combating homophobic bullying, we promoted an interesting and well-attended conference last year.
«"Families of young gay and lesbian people," say the conference organizers, "are essentially alone in dealing with the difficulties of accepting homosexuality and in helping their families cope with discrimination and violence.".
The conference will also be attended by Paul Brunetto, the eighteen-year-old from Palermo who was stabbed at the end of May by his father, who had discovered, and refused to accept, his homosexuality. Paolo Brunetto now lives in Tuscany, where he has found work and lodging at the "Friendly Versilia" restaurant in Torre del Lago.
http://www.daphnefamilymatters.net/
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FORM
First the crisis, then unconditional love and solidarity
“"Family Matters: The Experiences of Family Members of Young Lesbians and Gay Men in Italy" is the largest sociological study in Europe on the families of young gay men. It was conducted by Chiara Bertone and Marina Franchi, from the Department of Social Research at the University of Eastern Piedmont.
«"The research," the authors explain, "was conducted in Italy, where the relationships of young homosexuals with their families emerge as particularly significant. Unlike many other Western countries, in Italy, like all young people, gays and lesbians also tend to live with their families of origin for a long time, well into their twenties, and ties with their parents often remain fundamental, even as a source of support, after leaving the family." Similar research has been conducted in Spain and the United Kingdom, but with different approaches: the Spanish research is on "Public programs to support families with young homosexuals," the British one on "Non-governmental organizations that support families with young homosexuals in Europe.".
The Italian research was conducted by collecting directly, through the distribution of a questionnaire and the carrying out of in-depth interviews, the experiences of over 200 family members of young gay and lesbian people aged 14 to 22 (or who have become visible in that age group). The families are diverse in terms of geographic origin (the sample is evenly distributed between the North, Center, South, and islands, large cities, and small towns) and education level (from middle school to university degree). 821% of men and 721% of women identify as Catholic. 701% of those interviewed identify as left-wing, 41% as right-wing, and the remaining 261% are evenly distributed between center-left and center-right.
They answered the questionnaire 119 mothers and 53 fathers. Interviews were also conducted with siblings. In 64% of the cases, the discovery occurred directly, with the child explicitly coming out. In the other cases, the child learned about the homosexuality from another person, discovered it by reading the child's diary, or found a letter or material about homosexuality. The mother played a central role, often being the first family member to know, and subsequently mediating the relationship with the father ("Help me tell Dad"). Brothers and sisters also play an important role, often knowing before their parents, and expressing complicity and sharing.
For many parents (53% for fathers and 44% for mothers), the discovery came unexpectedly. In the other cases, they said they had already had suspicions. The first reaction to the discovery is one of bewilderment, fear, pain.. But only a small percentage confessed to having had violent reactions: three mothers slapped their son, two others kicked him out of the house. One father told his son: "You're not my son anymore." Two mothers called their sons "perverts." Some had a blackmailing reaction: "Why are you causing me this pain?", others felt that their son/daughter had been "led astray" by someone. Almost all, however (161 out of 168), rejected the concept of homosexuality as an illness.
After the crisis, the strong emotion of discovery, What prevails, however, are feelings of unconditional love, solidarity, protection, and sometimes complicity.. The bond with their child is never questioned, it is not broken by the discovery of his homosexuality. The phrases that most parents identify with are "the important thing is that you're happy" (88%), and "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed it" (69%).
Often revelation makes relationships within the family more authenticParents and siblings describe the changes in terms of "liberation," "greater confidence," and "greater intimacy." "We need to find ourselves again," says one mother. "We're a different family, but still a family, or rather... perhaps a real family.".
«After the discovery – the researchers observe – it reflects more on the family, we are looking for new communication codes and rules not based on the taken-for-granted model of heterosexuality.".
At that point, the problem arises outside the family context: "Parents," the researchers report, "find themselves having to make choices about their own 'coming out,' whether and when to become visible as the parents of a homosexual boy or girl." Then they avoid telling relatives and friends who "might not understand," perhaps because they have previously demonstrated negative attitudes toward homosexuality, or because they are very religious.
The integration of the child's homosexuality into family life is accompanied by a desire for 'normalization'‘: For their child, they want a fulfilling love life, a stable relationship. But despite these desires for normalcy, parents still perceive clearly that their children will have to deal with a hostile society, a country that denies them rights. And many parents think, and desire, that their children will live abroad in the future, in a context of greater acceptance and recognition of rights.
